Sexually Sober

Photo by Erik Lucatero on Unsplash

Addiction has posed a struggle in every aspect of my life as it does in every pursuer. From failed attempts to last friends, broken relationships, and disastrous reality. None the less, getting sober is the right decision for all.

Focusing on the relationship aspect of recovery, I have begun thinking of every part of life that has been disrupted. When I was heavy in my addiction I was the “Playboy” many associate with partying. Waking up in beds across the county, one-night stands, and the need to relearn a name were part of my daily activities.

When I met my wife and my forever, I attempted to put that all behind while continuing the destruction of my well-being. During my active addiction, we were always physical and rarely had a “boring” night. From complete obsession to out-of-character fetishes that would turn a blind man’s eye, it was never a dull moment in our blossoming love.

With my final arrest and the decision to leave my destruction behind, I began a life of recovery and solace. Attempting to regain trust and love in my relationship posed harder than putting down the bottle but was definitely worth fighting for. As our relationship was able to rejuvenate, we also saw a decline in our “activities”. No longer were we thrashing each other about and exploding into the realm of Nirvana. We were simply together and shared a bed.

Without my complete conviction, my therapist blamed the lack of libido on my newly acquired prescription. With the side-effects in full swing, I did not need nor crave any sexual tendencies any longer. Coming out of an active haze in the past, this was very disappointing to my mental state. I believed the fun and experiences I craved were slowly draining out of my life. When it came to my wife, she had an understanding of what I was going through but began to question my commitment and love for herself. I found it near impossible to convince her of my love and attraction to her as it had compared in the past.

With self-doubt growing in my wife I tried other aspects of love to show my devotion, but the lack of intimacy trumped it all. I began trying to force myself to perform with little to no success. After months of trying it became an undiscussed topic that the physicality was no longer there. I explained to my wife that in no way does it reflect my love for her…